This is an open-letter rant directed at job recruiters for the IT field who are of …*ahem* … “Subcontinental” origin. If you are not in the IT field, are not looking for new job opportunities, or do not appreciate the use of harsh words directed at people of non-European origin, then you might want to skip this offering. Otherwise, feel free to read on. I would enjoy hearing from you if you agree, or have any practical solutions to this problem.
Dear Apu/Bapu/Gupta/Rajneesh/Sanjeet, or Whatever the Hell Your Name Is:
I have a serious bone to pick with you. I know I am not alone in having this set of complaints about you, but I am probably one of the few who is willing to let you know about it, in the language and tone in which you deserve to hear it. I would gladly do so using my real name. In fact, have come very close to sounding off on you when I’ve inadvertently answered your annoying, pestering phone calls. However, given the ultra-sensitive age in which we live, and knowing the near monopoly that you and your co-ethnics now have on this profession, I will take the low road and stay anonymous for the present.
Let me start off by saying that it is difficult for me to believe that you take your job seriously. Why do I say this? Because if you have spent any time in the real working world at all, you would know without even having to be told that clear and effective communication is essential to getting anything accomplished, in any job and at any level of employment. If you cannot communicate effectively with coworkers, superiors, or clients, then you accomplish nothing meaningful and are thus not only superfluous to your company, but an impediment to its mission and profitability. So what do you hope to accomplish by not being able to communicate clearly with people who, if you are able to work with them successfully and get them what they want, will earn you a paycheck? The message you send by not clearly communicating is that you are either salaried, with pay not tied to performance (doubtful); or that you do what you do as a sort of childish hobby (even more doubtful).
By communication, I mean both the written and oral form. I realize that English is not your native language (although, being an “educated” Subcontinental, you should have started learning it in early childhood and thus had more than sufficient opportunity to put it to daily use). However, if you are going to work in a profession where it is the de facto global business language, then not being able to communicate effectively in it is going to cripple you over the long term. The following is an extract of an email that I received from you earlier this week for a position that you mistakenly thought I would be interested in or was a fit for (more on that shortly):
“Helo [sic] [feeriker],
“Trust all well at your end.
“Please find below job description and reply me with you [sic] Updated resume and Salary expectation if you be [sic] interested.”
This is typical of the spam that you send me, sometimes three or more times per week. Apparently you also believe that lack of an immediate response means “he’s in shock and awe at the unrivaled opportunity I’ve just sent him and is too overcome with gratitude to answer right away,” rather than “he’s not interested and just wants you to bugger off.” But even if I were interested in what you were offering, please tell me: Why would I bother to even pay an extra second’s attention to something as poorly written as your email? Why would I believe that someone like you who is fundamentally unable to communicate in clear, simple English has any influence that would be able to connect me with the position?
Here’s another question: How would you react if I were to send you a similarly written piece of garbage, in English or one of the two dozen major Subcontinental languages, asking you to find me a position? Would you immediately think “Hey, I’ve found a real pearl among swine here! Let me drop everything else I’m doing right now and put him in contact with my most important clients right away!” I’m wagering that the answer to that question is no, and that you would waste ZE-RO seconds directing your typing finger to the DELETE button on your inbox. So why then do you similarly assume that the typical job seeker would be desperate enough to pay any attention to a recruiter who can’t even correctly write a pair of simple sentences in plain English?
Your inability to communicate is also probably directly related to your lack of attention to detail. I constantly read and hear recruiters of all levels of experience and ethnic backgrounds bitch, moan, and whine about how much time it takes to “slog through several million resumes.” Leaving aside the fact that that’s part of your freaking JOB, you lazy son of a bitch, it also speaks to either an inability or lack of desire to learn how to use an Applicant Tracking System (ATS) correctly. These applications are highly configurable and can be set up to produce reports that are based on certain key pieces of information contained in a resume, selected in accordance with the client’s hiring criteria. HOWEVER, there is no escaping the fact that you are going to have to do some analysis on this second-tier information. You will have to refine the application’s reporting engine to identify potential applicants who have the specific skills, background, and experience your client is looking for. That is to say, information that simply key words or phrases plucked out of a resume during a tier-one search will NOT give you. This, along with subsequent “eyeball” analysis of the results, does indeed take LOTS of time. However, if you really want to earn your paycheck by providing your client with as near to a perfect match for the position as there is, there is no way to avoid doing this additional work. The fact that you obviously do NOT do it, that the position notices that you send out to potential applicants are obviously nothing more than the results of a first-tier keyword search, shows that you are either too incompetent or too lazy (probably both) to do the due diligence that needs to be done. Maybe you can answer another question for me here: Why is it that, of the two successful job placements I’ve had from third party recruiters, real professionals who actually took the time to read my resume carefully and match me with the ideal position their clients needed filled, BOTH of them were white American males? I know the answer to this, as do you, which is …
You only even bother contacting non-Subcontinental potential job candidates to avoid U.S. Department of Labor laws dealing with job discrimination. Any of us non-Subcontinentals who have spent even so much as a day working with or (Dear God forbid) for your fellow Subcontinentals knows that you prefer your own at all costs. Any company stupid enough to put one of you in the position of having the final say in hiring (and there are many such companies in the tech field these days) will never hire any employees who are non-Subcontinentals, no matter how ideally qualified for the open positions they are. There is nothing more breathtaking (and entertaining, to be honest) as a white European male than to observe non-European technology professionals of non-Subcontinental origin seething in their well-justified hatred for you people and your blatant nepotism. I know one thing: the next war between China and India will not be a nuclear military confrontation, but a labor confrontation in the technology industry in the United States. A nuclear Word War III will be peaceful by comparison. Either way, you really should be thankful that the whole H1B Visa scam is working in your favor. Enjoy it while you can, because upon the impending outbreak of the Second American Revolution you are all going to be unemployed and probably looking desperately for the first boat back to the Subcontinent before lynch mob justice catches up to you.
So please, just stop reaching out to white American IT professionals. It’s an insulting waste of our time, and certainly of yours as well, to say nothing of the needless delays it causes your clients in filling positions. And please, PLEASE, for freak’s sake, stop using European names when you write or call us! If you had any idea how ridiculous it makes you look and sound, you would go into self-imposed exile out of a sense of shame and embarrassment. If no one else has had the guts to tell you, let me be the first: NOBODY is fooled, NOBODY is amused, and it just makes you lose what little credibility you might have had faster than if you had just been upfront and stayed plain ol’ Gupta, Bapu, or Sanjay. We still probably wouldn’t give you the time of day, but we wouldn’t necessarily summarily dismiss you out of hand, either.
So in closing, my personal message to you is “FOALMA” (“F*** Off and Leave Me Alone!”). Rude and unprofessional? Sure. But tell me, given what I’ve just described, why you think you deserve professional courtesy, and why I should pretend that you’re interested in placing me in a job that satisfies both me and your client. The fact that you make in-house recruiters, incompetent HR stumble-bums that they are, look honorable and able by comparison speaks to just how wretched your kind is.
Meanwhile, I look forward to finishing the rest of my certification training goals shortly, milestones that will enable me to establish myself as an independent consultant, obliterate any professional online profiles that are magnets for your sorry kind, and never deal with any of you again except possibly as clients, and even then only on MY terms.
Have a nice life.